The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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