I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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