Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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