and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
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I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
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She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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