Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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