The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Welp...herpes.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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