I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
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