i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
