Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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