I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
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Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I stole a fireplace last night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
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A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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