Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
