I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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