so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I need moral support for this bender
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
