I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
