and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
