Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
