R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
