I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
