It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
