We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I am naked and annoyed.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
