I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We had sex on a dog bed..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
