I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
