My nipple is on Facebook.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
