I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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