Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
