Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm just crazy horny about you
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
