I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
