Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
