Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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