Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
