I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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