I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
