Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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