masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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