girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
