You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
cat food counts as protein by the way
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
