i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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