i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
FUCK WHALES
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
