youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
