btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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