I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
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I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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