i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
