i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
