I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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