Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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