you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
