I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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