you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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