John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
