Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
birth control should be required to get into college
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
