OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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