Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
