I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
