Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
