I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
