Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
