So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
